Fuar’s Ma Mince?

Inspired by a the Chielmeister’s Doric Middle Eastern rap here, and a Korean with an unlikely pie fetish, it was only right to create a seasonally appropriate ‘roo pie. I had intended to do this for Rory’s school Christmas party, but quite rightly this was vetoed by the in house totalitarian executive committee. So I ended up cooking them for the local festive street party in the park.

'Roo Pies

Of course, ‘mince pies’ used to have mince in, hence the cries of the Chielmeister are appropriate, where and whence did the mince go good man?? Or ‘Fuar’s ma mince?’, in Scots.

  • 1 small onion, grated

fried to translucent in a small amount of lard, then added

  • 1/2 grated apple
  • 4 crushed mountain berries
  • 1/3 tsp allspice
  • 1/3 tsp mustard seeds
  • 100g chopped prunes
  • 50g currents
  • 500g ‘roo mince

Slowly simmered until most of the liquid has gone.

I had some butter puff pastry in the freezer which I cut into discs to make pies, using a cake tin. I cheated and used some silicone moulds, though not really necessary. A couple of teaspoons of meat mixture in each mould and baked at 220C till browned. I suppose I should have glazed with and egg yolk and water….

Also, I think that a whack load of sugar would have made them a bit more festive, and sickly sweet. Maybe some nice dark brown stuff.

Oh, here’s the lyrics to help you. Translation assistance at scotslanguage.com?

Kind of.

Six in the morn, oot ma baed
Cup o’ haet caffee, git the paper raed
Rake in the tinnie fur a wee jam scone
Nihing bit crumbs, fit the hell’s gin oan?

Pinsion day, hoose is dry
Mebbe gae tae Murdoch’s fur a wee staek pie
Up the street, weel fa did a see?
Doad an’ Wully in the Raed Beestee.

Quater tae six, Ah’d better go
She’ll wunner far ah am, be up tae high doe
A winner oan ma coupon’ll calm hings doon
Itherwise, ah’ll be a henpeckit loon!

Came in aboot, nae smell, nae pan
Naeb’dy aroon’, fuar’n the hell hiv thae gang?
“Far hiv YOU been?” she girns at me
“Nivir mind that, fuar’n the hell’s ma tea?

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Ah get a big moan but nae buggerin’ baef!!!

Ah’m oot in a sweat an’ ah’m panickin’ noo
On the sirch fur a bliddy big coo
Rummel aboot, high and lo
Nihing fur it, awa tae Tesco

Hoof doon the wid, nip in the air
Only wunted ma maet, didna wunt ony mair
Hands in ma poackets and sna oan the grun
Slipped oan the path, a’ ah cud dee wis run!

Weel, ah plummeted doon at an affa speed
Christ A’michty ah thocht ah wis deid!
Jist hung oan an staedied the ship
Jeesus min, ah fair swung ma hips!

Goat tae Tesco, jist in time
Nae cloased yit bit that suits me fine
Bit fit’n the hell’s this? Shelves bereft
“Wir soary mister, thir”s nae baef left!”

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Thir’s plinty excuses but nae buggerin’ baef!!!

Fit can a man dee? The wurld”s goan tae pot
Nae bliddy wunner a man taks the shot
I dinna wunt the earth an’ I couldna gie a dam
Ah’m jist nae in the mood for corned baef nor spam

Ah’ve a bliddy guid mind tae mak a phone call
Oan tae thae buggers at Interpol
Nae baef, nae maet, fit an affa cairy oan!
At’s nae bliddy mince, fit the bliddy hell’s yon!!?

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Dis naeb’dy care ah’ve nae buggerin’ baef!!!?

(He has no mince)
Fuar’s ma bliddy denner min?

(He has no mince)
Fit kinna bliddy caper’s this, eh?

Ah’ll bliddy mince ye, aye.

Translation assistance at scotslanguage.com?


About willeats1

Primarily gastronomic explorer. Occasional father, emergency physician and mountain biker. View all posts by willeats1

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