Monthly Archives: December 2012

Fuar’s Ma Mince?

Inspired by a the Chielmeister’s Doric Middle Eastern rap here, and a Korean with an unlikely pie fetish, it was only right to create a seasonally appropriate ‘roo pie. I had intended to do this for Rory’s school Christmas party, but quite rightly this was vetoed by the in house totalitarian executive committee. So I ended up cooking them for the local festive street party in the park.

'Roo Pies

Of course, ‘mince pies’ used to have mince in, hence the cries of the Chielmeister are appropriate, where and whence did the mince go good man?? Or ‘Fuar’s ma mince?’, in Scots.

  • 1 small onion, grated

fried to translucent in a small amount of lard, then added

  • 1/2 grated apple
  • 4 crushed mountain berries
  • 1/3 tsp allspice
  • 1/3 tsp mustard seeds
  • 100g chopped prunes
  • 50g currents
  • 500g ‘roo mince

Slowly simmered until most of the liquid has gone.

I had some butter puff pastry in the freezer which I cut into discs to make pies, using a cake tin. I cheated and used some silicone moulds, though not really necessary. A couple of teaspoons of meat mixture in each mould and baked at 220C till browned. I suppose I should have glazed with and egg yolk and water….

Also, I think that a whack load of sugar would have made them a bit more festive, and sickly sweet. Maybe some nice dark brown stuff.

Oh, here’s the lyrics to help you. Translation assistance at

Kind of.

Six in the morn, oot ma baed
Cup o’ haet caffee, git the paper raed
Rake in the tinnie fur a wee jam scone
Nihing bit crumbs, fit the hell’s gin oan?

Pinsion day, hoose is dry
Mebbe gae tae Murdoch’s fur a wee staek pie
Up the street, weel fa did a see?
Doad an’ Wully in the Raed Beestee.

Quater tae six, Ah’d better go
She’ll wunner far ah am, be up tae high doe
A winner oan ma coupon’ll calm hings doon
Itherwise, ah’ll be a henpeckit loon!

Came in aboot, nae smell, nae pan
Naeb’dy aroon’, fuar’n the hell hiv thae gang?
“Far hiv YOU been?” she girns at me
“Nivir mind that, fuar’n the hell’s ma tea?

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Ah get a big moan but nae buggerin’ baef!!!

Ah’m oot in a sweat an’ ah’m panickin’ noo
On the sirch fur a bliddy big coo
Rummel aboot, high and lo
Nihing fur it, awa tae Tesco

Hoof doon the wid, nip in the air
Only wunted ma maet, didna wunt ony mair
Hands in ma poackets and sna oan the grun
Slipped oan the path, a’ ah cud dee wis run!

Weel, ah plummeted doon at an affa speed
Christ A’michty ah thocht ah wis deid!
Jist hung oan an staedied the ship
Jeesus min, ah fair swung ma hips!

Goat tae Tesco, jist in time
Nae cloased yit bit that suits me fine
Bit fit’n the hell’s this? Shelves bereft
“Wir soary mister, thir”s nae baef left!”

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Thir’s plinty excuses but nae buggerin’ baef!!!

Fit can a man dee? The wurld”s goan tae pot
Nae bliddy wunner a man taks the shot
I dinna wunt the earth an’ I couldna gie a dam
Ah’m jist nae in the mood for corned baef nor spam

Ah’ve a bliddy guid mind tae mak a phone call
Oan tae thae buggers at Interpol
Nae baef, nae maet, fit an affa cairy oan!
At’s nae bliddy mince, fit the bliddy hell’s yon!!?

Fuar’s ma mince? Fuar’s ma mince?
Haed a wee drap Windsday an’ ah’ve haed nane since.
Plinty o’ tatty, big green laef
Dis naeb’dy care ah’ve nae buggerin’ baef!!!?

(He has no mince)
Fuar’s ma bliddy denner min?

(He has no mince)
Fit kinna bliddy caper’s this, eh?

Ah’ll bliddy mince ye, aye.

Translation assistance at


Hocus crocus

Crocus sativas is the plant that gives us the divine and treasured stamen AKA saffron. Actually, it was a Rory tactile exploration (read pain in the arse grabbing at shit on the shop counter), who discovered a bowl of Iranian saffron at the newly opened Nepalese shop at rapid creek. $6.49 for a gram was a bargain, as long as the stuff was kosher, so to speak.

Move over, Lard arse

I’ve been having a lot of fun making my lardy bread inspired by the Dan Lepard recipe and the Peter’s Yard cardoman bun.

This idea was, I have to say, frickin’ genius. Saffron bread is a Cornish specialty, and I have a recipe for buns somewhere, made with a lard enriched dough. Ker-ching, light bulb moment, how about the rolled lardy bread with saffron. See the video I put up last month showing the detailed preparation of the lardy bread.

  • apprx 500g white dough, risen overnight at 12C
  • flattened, and then 3/4 spread with
  • 150g ish of lard
  • sprinkled generously with unrefined sugar
  • grated lemon rind 1 lemon
  • 1/4 tsp ground saffron
  • sprinkling of currents

Folded over and flattened 4 times to get layers. However, in contrast to the method shown in the video, where I then roll it into a tube and cut lengthways, I instead cut across the cylinder to end up with wee buns. These I packed into a round tin, very closely anticipating that they would pull apart into, well, buns. Baked along with a large white loaf and croissants, a total of 10 cups flour and 4 of starter. Fun.

And they separated very nicely.

Did I say genius?

Saffron lardy bread

Saffron lardy bread

Continuing the Asian theme (from the shop, not Cornwall), I thought it would be interesting to make a pilau type affair using some Basmati rice of fine repute, from the same shop. And thinking it would be rather nice to crack open a bottle of some Margaret River chardonnay, I bought some scallops. Soooooo,

  • 1kg of scallops, steamed with a little water in a large saucepan with a lid until just done. Left to cool. Juice poured off.
  • 3 shallots, chopped and cooked to translucency in a decent chunk of butter and olive oil
  • 2 cups of basmati rice, no washing or rinsing

The juice I attempted to strain as the scallops this week were very muddy. This took a while as the mud/ clay blocked every filter I tried to utilise. Eventually, I just poured off the juice once the clay had settled to the bottom.

  • 1/4g saffron, briefly microwaved till aromatic and pounded in a pestle and mortar, added to shallots/ rice
  • scallop juice added to rice

I topped up with water every now and then stirring. Basmatic is pretty resilient unlike paella rice, which would just go to a mush with stirring. I could have left it a little longer to get a proper crust (the ‘tah-dig’? in Iran), but I was too hungry.

The scallops I de-bearded and then rinsed in an ice water bath, and served on the rice. Henry-Hoehnan chardonnay, amazing.